The Church of Divine Apathy is a cult. Maybe the only cult willing to admit that it’s a cult, but we don’t care enough to check and see if that’s true.

Everything herein is consistent with the lorethodoxy. Anything that doesn’t jive with the lore is unlorethodox.

Thus follows: the descripture.

Divine Apathy is our core tenet. So what does that mean?

In a world where everyone gives a fuck about everything, we don’t.

• Apathy is divine, but caring is necessary to live and so we limit our cares as much as possible
• The more things you care about, the more weighed down you are
• We are all innately irrelevant - this frees us from caring about ourselves

We cultists swear an oath to limit our cares, allowing ourselves only a certain number that shall be arbitrarily and apathetically decided by the times - right now about 100 cares are allotted. An uncaring mind is an unburdened one. We are not limited by the expectations of the world, or subject to constraints which our environments might impose. Those who achieve Divine Apathy transcend the worldly anchors of frivolous cares. We dedicate ourselves to the realization and worship of our own innate irrelevance, and as we reduce the number of cares that are focused on ourselves, we free up space. We’ve given enough fucks… thus, no more fucks shall be given.

In the words of Leader: “Be a wave, not a particle, maaaaaan”

We have very few guiding principles, by design. All that’s required for entry to the cult is putting Divine Apathy on the list of things you care about. In order to be a cutlist, one must care about Divine Apathy, and thus by caring about Divine Apathy, one is a cultist.

You may already be one and not even know it. Congratulations.

Cultists have been known to become so indifferent that we can ignore the laws of physics themselves. For example, one might be so apathetic about gravity that they can fly.

An esoteric a-mathematical discipline.

Key vocabulary:

• Quantanguloid (we made it out of string)
• Dimensional Bonditude
• Confusanuse
• Quantinuum
• Roundtangle
• rune
• sigil
• sqube
• squircle
• sqylinder
• Tricylinder
• azigazag
• Shpedoinkel
• Scrutinize
• Qubit
• Proximous
• Squircature
• Scryangle
• Zagonal
• Hypothenuse
• Wacky Numbers
• Mehtrics
• Triptozoid
• Embulficate

By artfully not bothering to be where they are anymore, a portal to somewhere else can be opened. Of course, one must pass through the void and exit through another portal to get where they’re going - and an encounter with the void quickly drains the sanity of any being with an attachment to how things generally are. Enter divine apathy: cultists can traverse the vOid because they just don’t care!

A portal left open eventually loses the intent of the cultist who opened it, and reverts to point to the void no matter where it originally led to. If your mind wanders while you’re operating one, you’ll probably plop into the void and have to reorient yourself to get where you were going. This is also part of the danger of leaving them open. Close your portals, you fools…

If the uninitiated wander into a portal by accident, their brain might not interpret the information well enough to give them the impression that they went anywhere. The time will likely seem to have been lost, at best to a dream.

Portaling to any other dimension in the multiverse is fair game. All dimensions touch the void. You can stick your hand through a portal to your own kitchen, or to the other side of your own world, or even another planet in your solar system - but to access another dimension, you must first portal to the void, and then to wherever else you are going. You might say you “shwoop” through the void! We certainly say that.

• The Moon is flat
• Cultists shall never go there
• No one else shall ever go there either
• The Aliens forbid visiting the moon under threat of death laser, and that was reason enough for us

• Making other people responsible for your stupid decisions
• Making leader wait
• Stealing people’s packages
• Eating other cultists
• Tickling leader
• Gout

• You can only go 8 minutes back in time

Also, you can always say no to questionable tuna.

Everyone emits vibes. Some very strong, some very weak. Entities vibe with one another when they align their emissions. Vibes get bad when they are proximal and out of sync. Vibes get good when they are proximal and synchronized. Some even conduct the vibes of others.

There is perhaps, we think, a master vibe that can be synced with - the ultimate vibe above and beyond and below and within all vibes. Good luck.

If an entity loses its vibe entirely (perhaps via encounter with the voidling Primordis Navitas), it becomes incapable of generating any. It becomes isolated, paranoid, and visibly agitated.

The cult travels here and there, observing stuff and messing with it if we get curious. What effort we muster goes toward making cult stuff happen - mostly branding and merch development.

We generally hang out and chill. A few days per week, we gather for cult broadcasts, in the form of a Twitch stream.

Many have come to the Church of Divine Apathy and asked questions (Cult FAQ):

• Do I have to care about my basic day to day functions?
• Do I have to care about breathing?

• Cult leadership has incredible luck that some think they are secretly controlling/breeding/hustling the Clooparion market.
• The Void Cafe IS the Thing.
• “If you ever sold your soul for $5 or a hostess cake or pop-tart or something, then that was an agent of the cult and we have your soul here somewhere”
• Every time anyone has stubbed their toe, it’s our fault; we got cursed

• He’s “such a ralph” - whipped, subservient, dumb
• “That guy looks like he’s got a pocket full of spooders” - a euphemistic saying that implies a cultist seems likely to get into some trouble, “pocket full of spooders” - likely to schmooze you, or hoping to bribe their way out of a situation they would otherwise be cornered in
• “you ralphed yourself” “Leroy ralphed himself; he’s gone to a better place, ah meh”
• “Get Ralphed” to get ralphed means you made too many ralphs and disappeared altogether. Means “go fuck yourself”
• “Not in the book” when you just can’t care about it
  • “I’m a little out of the books today”
• “Yeah I’ll ponder that” a blow-off when you’re not going to consider something at all
• “You’re turning into a real Peter” someone who is starting to care too much (like Peter, the anti-cultist, who suddenly realized he cared… a lot)
• “pulling The Thread” - engaging in a bottomless pursuit, based on the idea of unravelling oneself to become nothing

• We are the cultists
• There are a variety of cultists
• Cultists wear classic red robes, and a gold circle medallion on a black string
  • A cultist only ever gets one robe, which becomes the only thing that is now “yours” in lieu of your material possessions
  • The robes are made of some kind of void fabric from dimension 7, or something; they never shrink in the dryer and they won’t turn your socks red
  • Cultists might even just BE robes, we aren’t really sure
  • When you die, your robe moves on with you wherever you end up. Your dead body is still wearing one, but the soul of your robe manifests in the spiritual realm you’re predisposed to… or heck or wherever
• Cultists grow in level/power (ascend) as they learn more/increase their apathy
• You get more powerful based on how apathetic you are
• You can use your divine indifference for cult abilities - such as, ignoring the laws of physics to fly, etc.
• When a cultist reaches the point that they only have one care left - divine apathy itself - they have ascended
  • A cultist that ascends and then forgets to care about the one thing ceases to exist, which is kind of like ascending but it’s pretty useless
    • Other: The ultimate transcendence of a cultist occurs when they figure out the answer to Ralph’s Paradox. To do this they must achieve such a state of apathy that they no longer care to exist, which is known as
    • But more often this happens when you “ralph yourself” resulting more from hubris than enlightenment
    • This might seem like the ultimate goal of apathy, but it’s kind of a useless form of ascension, since you don’t exist anymore.

A cultist is me, a cultist is you, a cultist is that guy in the red robes in the back corner of that picture at Roswell or the background of that meme you saw the other day. We blend the lines between that place and this. We travel many worlds, spreading the world of Divine Apathy and selling Voidlings to the masses. We keep the Vaults of Meh, where we store our cares that we have given up. We learn our cult ways and disciplines at Kismet’s Phrontisterium of Cultcrafts and Cultistry. Our business structure is pyramid shaped, and all proceeds go to the Church of Divine Apathy. A cultist is a cultist, no more than that. The only pronouns we profess are we/us.

There are three teams:

• Team Demon
• Team Ralph
• Team Brainspider

These are the Team Girls:

• The Ralph Girls are helpers at Practically Potion Crystal Lounge, where they were created as the result of alchemical experimentation.
• The Demon Girls are native to Heck and hang around the Casino in the Fifth Squircle
• The Brainspider Girls were genetically engineered by the Aliens, and thus originate in Outer Space - “A formidable combination of two dangerous creatures - cute girls and brainspiders”

NOTE: The girls “are not breedable” and there are no male equivalents.

• Not a cat.
• Can summon fire.
• Demons come from Heck.
• Demons from Heck are about the evil equivalent of a house cat/toddler, mischievous, selfish, like to accept bribes and treats.
• When Cultists open Holes to Hec,k they can let loose curious demons into the above world. Demons might follow a Cultist home (especially one they enjoyed tormenting), or just sniff their way up through an open Heck Hole looking for yummy treats like Spooders™. Demons can become companions of sorts to a cultist if a relationship is formed, but can also be cast back down to Heck if things just aren’t working out (the ritual is simply opening a Heck Hole and punting/dropping/shaking your demon into it, !punt).
• Smart enough for mischief and simple tasks - intelligence and personality may vary.
• Average height 3ft tall, varying shades of gray skin with glowing yellow eyes.
• Demons beat brain spiders.
• Demons are beaten by ralphs.
• Demons are voiced by babigail growls - insert playable audio track of demon sounds.
• Demons like to eat brainspiders (especially Spooders the Pickled Brainspider Treat™).
• Demons are jealous of ralphs because they do the things that cultists ask them to do immediately and properly and without chaos, but also turn their nose up at how obedient and subservient the ralphs are.
• Demons are considered to be a “higher being”… but just barely. This makes them immune to things such as brainspiders and void madness.

Demon Guide Book - Know Your Demon

• Reading your Demon like tea leaves
• “If your demon does X, it probably means Y” astrology-style guide
• The idea of knowing yourself/your darkness, couched in observing the demon that happens to be following you or that you have formed a bond with

• Ralphs are humunkulus.
• Cultists create ralphs as loyal servants for simple repetitive tasks (such as fighting in the Battle Royale, fetching them things, etc.)
  • Greater expertise in ralphomancy leads to ralphs with stronger will and purpose, potentially dedicating them to greater aims
• Ralphs are made from a scrap of fabric from your robe and a complex alchemical ritual involving glass phylacteries and stuff
  • A cultist can typically make about 15 ralphs pretty easily before they start to run out of excess robe
  • Alchemist sub-class: Professional Ralphists have studied Ralph creation so that they might make the most ralphs from their robe possible
  • Voidberries are a key ingredient in the alchemic recipe for making a Ralph
• Ironically, Ralphs are the ones who make the robes, but they can’t be made without them; which came first?
  • Ralph’s Paradox: There’s a group of golden ralphs in the place where the fabric of spacetime is woven, and they also make cult robes
    • Knowledge of the universe ends here, with the question: who created the Golden ralphs? But that’s high level cult information. Dead end.
• Possible origin stories for the golden ralph:
  • When a cultist makes too many Ralphs, and only enough of them is left for a single Ralph, a Golden Ralph is formed - but no one knows what happens to your mind or sense of self if you do it so cultists are scared to try. Once made, they waddle off into the fabric of time…
• Ralphs don’t do much outside of their intended purposes
• Ralphs are near indestructible and can only be “unsummoned” by the cultist that created it, involving the ralph being sewn back into the cultist’s robe
• Ralphs can be taken over by brainspiders
• Ralphs beat demons
• Ralph is an eyeball in a cult robe
• Average height about one foot tall
• Often picked on by demons(?)
• They don’t die until you do
  • Getting ralphed or ceasing to exist doesn’t count as dying
  • Ralphs that go on after their creator is “gone” might start to fray or behave strangely
• They can’t make more of themselves
• Do they have skeletons? We do not speak of this… but there may be suggestive relics in the Vaults of Meh
• You cannot have personal relations with a Ralph or Ralph Girl
• There are warnings in the cult for not ralphing yourself (posters, support groups?)
• There are some that have taken a vow of ralphnessness (they are the tallest cultists)

Concept: Wild Ralphs?!

• Ralphs that somehow became disconnected from their cultists, forming a tribe somewhere. Perhaps deep in the vaults of meh? What happens to disconnect them?

• Brainspiders eat the part of your brain that knows about the brainspiders
• Brainspiders originate in outer space, brought here by the aliens - much is unknown
• Brainspiders are frequently, when seen at all, 1 - 3 inch wide, pink, firm but squishy, slightly slimy four legged creatures with three eyes, but have the ability to constrict their body muscles as to shrink down to incredibly small sizes to crawl into bodily orifices… like ears or noses… ew
• Brainspiders seem inherently interconnected with each other, like some kind of hive or swarm mentality - no one knows exactly
• Brainspiders will always attempt to avoid detection - they skitter away from the gaze of others, when you turn the lights on in a room they run for the shadows, etc.
• Brainspiders have spider silk that they use for mobility. They do not make webs, they just dangle quietly down from the ceiling in order to land on the unsuspecting… It is unknown what else they might do with their webs if compelled.
• Brainspiders are afraid of demons, as they are seemingly aware that demons will not succumb to their mind altering tricks, and that demons actually would love to catch and eat them
• Brainspiders will react to music with… dancing? Also a good method for finding those who are infected with brainspiders, but the music only seems to work if it has a good heavy beat.
• Brainspiders love to feed on ralphs
• Brainspiders on Ralphs are actually quite dangerous; brainspiders using Ralphs to their own ends can be more than brainspiders… e.g. making monuments to brainspiders so everyone knows about them, enacting large scale plots to take over the world….

• Brainspiders can’t take over demons

“We don’t know much about brainspiders, only that our records indicate that they eat the part of your brain that knows about brainspiders. We may be the only ones with the ancient knowledge.

Brainspiders have been observed, studied, and recorded in our texts, but few of us actually remember much about them for some reason.”

Cult Scholars have written record of brainspiders that, sometimes in combination with finding a brainspider in real life, leads to many “discoveries” of brainspiders - not realizing this is actually the 23rd time the Church of Divine Apathy has “discovered” the brainspiders, leading to a cyclical process of learning of them, the brainspiders eating that part of their brain, forgetting about them… rinse and repeat. “Hey Bob, look at this! I discovered a new species!”

Brainspiders once accumulated within Church of Divine Apathy broadcast equipment in such great numbers that they slowly reduced the framerate of the broadcast to unbearable levels. They were successfully exterminated, but cultists remain vigilant and investigate whenever a dropped frame occurs.

One of the major cult holidays is Brainspider AWareness Day, which is celebrated on a slightly different day each year, if anyone can even remember to celebrate it… It’s unclear the purpose of Brainspider Awareness Day…

https://clips.twitch.tv/CoyGeniusKoupreyKlappa--2oqB4GQAOwE8Q9B

• Eyebats are flying eyeballs with wings, they don’t have legs
• Eyebats are native to Heck
• They have been ridden as mounts, or grabbed onto for a ride
• They will grow to enormous size if given enough space and time (like a goldfish)
• They don’t eat anything that we know of, and they do not have buttholes
• Eyebat eyecrusties/eyeburgers/eyegoop are a high value ingredient to alchemic recipes
• A sleeping eyebat is incredibly vulnerable - they do not have the ability to quickly take flight due to their lack of legs, and so startling one induces a frantic storm of flapping and flopping until the eyebat manages to become airborne
• The eyebat has no natural predators that we know about - they do not taste good
• Eyebats can be kept as pets, generally to harvest their eyeboogies
• Eyebats don’t really “breed” that we can detect, but will spontaneously spawn more of themselves when you aren’t looking
• Eyebats are the eyes of Heck, allowing those Heckians that know how to access the feeds to view whatever/wherever the Eyebats are seeing/viewing. An example of this being the jumbotron screens in the Casino in the Fifth Squircle where many locations, in Heck and other worlds can be viewed live. The Church of Divine Apathy, and perhaps other shadow organizations, have used them for surveillance. Cult Labs has been working on tapping into the Eyebat channels broadcast from certain areas to utilize their optics with “EPS - Eyebat Positioning System”
• Eyebats are immune to brainspiders - they don’t have brains, they are only eyes

• A Cult Labs experiment: Project I-Beam/Eye Beam
  • Clips of redacted video (parts blacked out)

We wear red robes, with faces long and gray, And eyes that bulge, in a strange way. We love triangles, and build them oh so tall, But mushrooms are our gift, to answer your call. We smoke DM3, to slow our minds down low, So we can talk to you, and watch your world grow.

Aliens came to the Cultists long ago.

They are about twice as tall as your average cultist, with large bulbous eyes and long gray faces. We have no idea what their bodies look like, as they have always dressed in oversized red robes.

They are real, solid, physical aliens.

When they arrived, they asked us to construct epicly large triangular structures in exchange for epic spaceship rides.

We had no idea how to build these things, despite a lot of trying, so they let us in on some secrets: if we eat these mushrooms, they said, we’ll know everything we need to know.

They probably showed us more secrets than we were supposed to know though, as we have long been explicitly forbidden from visiting the moon for some reason - but we are sure that it is flat.

In the process of trying to learn the aliens’ ways, build their structures, and recreate their technology, we studied and copied many of their artifacts and behaviors such as their red hooded robes, snake staves. We also picked up the habit of wearing a golden medallion. It’s in the shape of Flat Moon, rather than a triangular shape like the aliens had, since we never did entirely get the hang of the whole triangles thing.

The aliens’ favorite shape is the triangle, of course. They love them. We still don’t fully understand why.

Aliens are known to kick back and smoke DM3, which helps them slow down their awareness to earth-creature speed - just enough to communicate with us and not be too pretentious about it.

If an earth-creature smokes DM3, they enter a state of cognisant paralysis. Any sense of time, awareness of self, or evaluation of sensory input is halted. It’s a state of perpetual being like an extension of that brief moment when you get struck in the back of the head and your brain turns off. The experience can be remembered, though through the filter of your conscious mind the feeling is almost indescribable. There’s always the chance that resetting your brain in this way will cause all the pieces of your self-awareness to file back into your consciousness in a tidier manner. There’s also the chance that they won’t.

→ What does the snek staff do?

The Aliens gave us mushrooms, known generically as “cult secrets,” enable cultists to connect to a level of collective consciousness that the aliens typically think within. From this cloudy plane, ideas and instructions condense like rain and fall back into our minds. Some of the thoughts we receive are more useful and complete than others.

This is the Thing. The Thing can be many Things, but for now it’s the Thing. If you’re here now, it’s the current Thing. If you’re hip with the Thing, you can ask for a hug. If you fight with the Thing, it’s a whole ‘nother Thing. The Thing is, anyThing is the Thing. It’s the Thing you were thinking the Thing was. It’s the Thing we all must face.

It’s the Thing under the bed, it’s the Thing in between the panel 4 news comics, it runs (is?) the Void Cafe.

The Thing has many green tentacles with orange spots. Some have even seen its eye(s).

The Thing is an Elder Thing - it’s THE thing, in fact, the eldest thing. (see the Void). Of the Things that were thought of when all things were created, it was first. There are other Things (the hypno-thing, the know-thing, etc.) but it holds the distinction of being The Thing. Each Thing is a proto-concept: the primordial embodiment of some trope or other, hearkening from the first time it was contemplated.

Thing concepts:

• The Thing
• Hypno-thing
• KNow-thing
• Big-Thing
• Little-Thing
• Newer-Thing
• Ambiguous-Thing
• Good-Thing
• Bad-Thing
• Not-a-Thing (nothing is there at all, it’s blank)

See “Places: Cult Labs”

"Studies have shown that The Science induces SWOONING. don't ask your doctor if the science is right for you - it iS!"

• The Cult has The Science
• The Science is a being made out of pure scientific objective fact, to be trusted no matter what
• It is an entity made out of pure scientific essence that can split itself into infinite tiny selves
• No matter the number of selves, it is always The Science, singular or plural
• The Science is soft like putty/jello, but rubbery and holds a shape, and has a slight radioactive green glow

• Big Brain is summoned to answer important questions for the cult
• “Wash the Big Brain, wash all the brains”
• He is very smart and wants to consume all knowledge - He eats books
• He loves to get baked

• Thots are the physical manifestation of thoughts mixed with smoke
• Often seen at the Practically Potion Lounge, or other places where cultists are relaxing
• Their appearances differ based on the thought that created them, and the type of smoking concoction that you’re smoking
• One might “thot box” a room
• Thots can be conversed with

• Voidlings are creatures that come from the Void - if you don’t know what that is then this lesson is too soon for you - SEE “THE VOID”
• They are native to the Void only, but can be found in many different worlds and dimensions due to auctioning off at the Void Market to the highest bidder
• The Voidlings come in a vast variety of behaviors, shapes, colors, vibe, and danger levels - SEE “VOID COLLECTIONS”
• A dimension can only have one of each Mythic voidling (e.g. 1 devoid per dimension)

Covoids are a Voidling virus that come from the Void. They can infect Cultists, and if untreated, cause symptoms ranging from a runny nose and fever, to accelerated Void madness and mutations of indiscernible variety. Different strains have been known to produce different physical effects, such as extra eyeballs, spare mouths, spontaneous tentacles, and more indescribable horrors.

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• High level Cult Item
• It’s a staff that is a snek
• Made of olololo hide
• Powers:
  • Portal Energy
  • Hypnosis
• You could portal someone, and whatever happens when someone is infused with portal energy is what happens to them

• Snek Staff from outer spaaaaaace

• Cultists ponder the Orb.
• Pondering the orb connects your mind to the collective subconscious of all cultists.
  • The orb realm is a misty place, with thots floating about.
  • It’s not a place you can go, just where you are connecting to when you are pondering; the natural habitat of thots
• There might be many varieties of orb with varying levels of ponderability
  • Blue calcite (like leader’s orb)
  • Flezite
• When you ponder the orb, you are pondering the orb itself. This state of simple ponderance will begin to fragment your mind in such a way that you can drift into a secondary zone, kind of like when you are driving a car and you somehow forget part of the journey.

All Cultists receive a Bible of Doom on initiation into the Cult. It is a guidebook of the apocalypses (apocali) - a farmers almanac of the apocalypses.

Apocalypses (plural) pronounced like “ellipses”

All Cultists receive a Sacrificial Dagger when they join the cult.

Don’t milk them.

• Denotes a scholar of intriguonometry

• Gold circle on a black cord around cultists neck
• Represents the cult’s belief Flat Moon, a place where we cultists shall never ever go. Praise.

• Face-wielded handheld focal scopes, aka, glasses

• Worn by scientists

A “musical” instrument of true discord. It’s a trapezoidal lap harp that, when strummed, no matter the skill of the strummer, creates a cacophony of genuine discord.

It has been said that when five discordians sound simultaneously, the end is nigh!

Pocket-sized version of an orb, for convenient pondering on the go.

Like a wizard hat, but for ralphomancers only. The hat itself is a Ralph.

Grants the wearer the power to remember that thing they were just talking about that they forgot - and consequently, immunity to brainspiders.

There are many cult brands that you may see throughout cult materials..

Pickled and jarred brain spiders for demon consumption.

Developing trustworthy and innovative products that affect the lives of cultists everywhere! See Places: Cult Labs for more information.

A drug produced by Cult Labs to facilitate generally giving less of a fuck. Recommended to those at risk for making other people responsible for the consequences of their decision to care much, much too much.

Side effects: Stuffled nose; drowsiness; changes in color; inability to identify vanilla; obsessive behavior (If caring persists for more than 4 hours, consult a Cult Labs licensed physician); death.

Might be used to treat or reverse mild void-effects.

If you have to ask if ApathX is right for you, it is.

Designed for enlargement, performance enhancement, and a direct increase in penis level. Some have gone to great lengths to achieve the same results: complex and tedious rituals with a small but excruciating margin of error. Why go to all the trouble, when you can skip the ritual and get Ritualis? Take your penis to a new plane of enlightenment.

Ritualis Penis ascension pills: Next. Level. Dick.

Side effects: xerostomia, insomnia, hypertrichosis palmarum; epididymo-orchitis; illuminatio conscientiae; strabismus; and leprosy. If your penis begins to glow, discontinue use. Overuse will lead to your penis falling off. If you are a woman or thinking of becoming a woman, do not take this medication.

Other marketing concepts:

• Next level dick. <-
• Don’t bother with a ritual - get Ritualis! Sick of enacting tedious rituals just to get one thing wrong and have to start all over - or worse, get a screwy result? Skip the ritual - get Ritualis.
• It’s super natural!
• It’s a sure thing.
• Treat yo’self.
• YOLO.
• Abracadabra
• It’s your time to shine.
• Experience oneness with your penis.
• Rise! Rise!! Riiiiise!!!
• Inadequacy-be-gone!
• Produce an heir without the care.
• Take your dick to the next level.
• Level up your bedroom experience.
• Tired of grinding slimes? Level up instantly with ritualis.
• Ritualis: Pierce the Heavens
• Ask D-expert

Is it just a brainspider in pill form?

• Put the romance back in necromancy and bring back your long lost love!
• Get a loved one back on their feet
• Dead romance? Bring it back…
• DieAgra

On the web at https://www.practicallypotion.com/

* At Practically Potion we are dedicated to providing you with top quality products and service!

You'll find that when selecting a specific item; the product photo updates to the item being purchased. (1oz Tumbled Stone batches excluded)

We hope that you find something magical!

Use code CULT for 10% off your order.

Doom to your door! 24 hour coverage, whether something is happening or not. You wouldn’t want to miss the impending apocalypse, would you?

Producing a cult records. Bop along to cult propaganda! Just look for the eyeball, and get us stuck in your head today.

All sqooter all the time.

The Cookie Brand advertised to be found in the seventh squircle of Heck.

• Comes in Chocolate Chip and Dark Chocolate Chip

Our faithful snack. The voidberries taste like real voidberries! Want to know more? Just ask Mr. Voidberry. It’s more than a meal - it’s a breakfast you can feel.

The only service that exists for cleaning up voidlings that have escaped from portals.

Left a portal open? Someone else did and it totally wasn’t you? Call Void Pro and they’ll send a Collector (or a team of them) to deal with it so you don’t have to.

Stay alive, don’t be slow - call 1800 Void Pro!

A Ralph-operated facility for the production of the Spooders™ pickled brainspider snack.

Legend says that the cultist who runs the Spooder Factory actually ralphed himself… and the Ralphs just keep running it. A true ralphomancer.

The Ministry of Truth is the Propaganda branch of the Church of Divine Apathy. Herein lies the cult broadcast center, from which the Cult Twitch Stream emanates. Home of Panel 4 News and Ralph Records.

• Cult Labs is the scientific branch of the Church of Divine Apathy
• The Science is the Lead Scientist at Cult Labs, a being made out of pure scientific objective fact
• The Experts, cultist scientists, work at Cult Labs, and they are never wrong
• Cult Labs uses a combination of all cult disciplines - intriguonometry, alchemy, ancient secrets and apathy, to invent, discover, and experiment
• Proot may have been an escaped experiment, but this is unsubstantiated…

Emergency Caring Division: Like 911, for when someone actually needs to care right now. Finds the Cultist who cares about the appropriate thing and sends them in?

Problem Solving Division: Cultists come with problems and they slap together haphazard fixes.

Cult Labs report: The Brainspider mugs keep getting misplaced at abnormally high rates… people seem to forget they ever even bought them and just keep buying more… Seems like a win! *stamps as solved*

Cult Labs Inventions/Experiments:

• Project Eyebeam - eyebats surveillance experiment, in coordination with Cult Propaganda Center/Ministry of Truth
• Void Collections Card Capture Technology™
• The Humunkider (brainspider, humunkulus, demon hybrid horror)
• Og Antigravity tech
• Vassal used to sequester your dreams and thoughts, keeping them from being cross-pollinated and exposed or smeared around and diluted (by elequin)
• Adopt a Voidling:

Help us in supporting voidlings. They didn't ask to be here. These poor, simple, sometimes terrifying creatures need love and attention too. Join us in throwing money into the void. Donate today

School Motto:

Indomitus Fidelitas Unitatem (Ungovernable Loyal United)

The Phrontisterium is a school that Cultists attend. It is hidden behind the facade of a laundromat. One must find the right dryer, insert the proper coinage, and climb in… it’s a little cramped. You get “shooped” up a pneumatic tube into the school above, landing in the Inner Sanctum of the Order you belong to. Only neophytes really use the “front door” anymore though, because obviously you could just portal in as soon as you’ve taken Portals 101. Unless you’re scared of portals, which we kind of get. Many of the laundromat machines have “out of order” signs on them and the lights are flickering fluorescents - a dingy atmosphere to dissuade the occasional civilian who might approach hoping to actually wash their clothes.

At Kismet’s Phrontisterium cultists lackadaisical attend many enriching courses, such as astrology, propaganda 101, sandwich arts, janitorial arts, voidistry, yoga, coloring, and accounting! Bring your scrolls, your goat, and your thinking cap to unlock the higher arts that the Church of Divine Apathy specializes in. Want to travel the Void? Become a Void Traveler! Want to unlock the infinite knowledge of the Vaults of Meh? Become a Librarian! Want to mop the unmoppable? Become a Janitor!

So how long does it take to get a degree? As long as it takes. Think of it like Hogwarts Community College. The courses take you as long as they take you, and you can study as many topics as you want. Some cultists spend decades here while others are in and out in months.

The Phrontisterium has three Orders that Cultists may be part of, based on their Cult Team.

The Order of Heck - Mascot: Demons, Color: Purple, often produces Office Managers…

Typical Order of Heck Cultists are interested in

The Order of Cloth - Mascot: Ralphs, Color: Red, often produces Librarians and Ralphomancers

Typical Order of Cloth Cultists are interested in crystals and concoctions, ei crystology, intriguonometry, alchemy, etc

The Order of Huh? - Mascot: Brainspiders, Color: Pink, often produces Ponderers and Void Travelers (it is useful to have an empty mind)

Typical Order of Huh? Cultists are interested in ponderering, inner course, prayer and meditation, etc

Librarian

Disciplines: Divine Apathy 101, Intriguonometry 101, Ancient Secrets 101, Portals 101, Apathy Through the Ages - A History, Advanced Apathetics, Coloring, Ancient Alien Technology, Scribing

Workplace: Vaults of Meh

Tools: Glasses of Meh

Power:

Void Travelers

Scientist

Disciplines:

Workplace: Cult Labs

Tools: Lab Coat robes and science goggles

Power:

Scholar of Intriguonometry

Disciplines: Intriguonometry

Workplace:

Tools: The Purple Shawl

Power:

Ponderer

Disciplines:

Workplace:

Tools: Orb

Power:

Ralphomancer

Disciplines:

Workplace:

Tools:

Power: Can have multiple Ralphs and de-brainspider your Ralph.

Office Manager

Discplines:

Workplace:

Tools:

Power:

Janitor

They have non-euclidean places to clean.

Advanced Jobs (Combos):

Ancient Secrets + Ralphistry = delete other peoples Ralphs

Ponderer + Ralphistry = Intuitive Summoner, maybe you can make a ralph will the least amount of robe

• Alchemy 101
• Divine Apathy 101
• Intriguonometry 101
• Ancient Secrets 101
• Portals 101
• Torture 101
• Science 101

• Advanced Apathetics
• Ancient Alien Technology
• Summons
• Voidling Handling (So and so’s guide to Voidling Handling)
• Coloring - prequisite to Intriguonomics
• Intriguonomics
• Intriguomancy
• Intriguology
• “Demonology - Known Your Demon”
• Ascension
• Ralphistry - Learn Humunkulogensis, Ralphomancy is high level Power: de-brainspider your ralph.
• Cultology
• Apathy Through the Ages - A History
• Voidistry - prereq Portals 101, alchemy, advanced apathetics
• Accounting
• Goat Shepherding - earns cultists a cowboy hat
• Eyebat milking
• Propaganda
• Brainwashing, prereqs: brainspiders, propaganda 101
• Brainspiders - required for All Cultists
• Horticulture
• Mycology, prereq: Ancient Secrets 101
• Metaphysics
• Scribing
• Prayer and Meditation
• Crystallography
• Yoga
• Ponderance - earns pocket orb
• Observance (how to observe special days)
• Scrying
• Self Sacrifice
• A Cult-ism
• Sandwich Artistry
• Seance
• Astrology
• Budget Masonry
• Stupid Shit People Did For Personal Gain Studies
• Cryptodoxology - A blend of "crypto" (hidden), "dox" (belief or opinion), and "-ology" (study), for the study of hidden beliefs or secret plots.
• Mending
• Janitorial Arts
• Inner Course
• Sophistry

• Intriguonometry for Dummies

Church of Divine Apathy Corporate Headquarters

Cult Headquarters, aka Corporate, is the umbrella organization for everything Cult. A corporate office headquarters where cultists go to meetings (or don’t), push papers, and generally mill about in order to maintain functionality of the Cult’s operations. The money that runs the Cult comes from selling Voidlings, as well as the sales of the Cult products and services.

The cult sells Voidlings to different realms. Once a Voidling is introduced to a world, then it is as if they were always there. Kangaroos didn’t actually exist in the normal dimension until last week, but no one knows that.

The Cultists summoned Big Brain to be the head of Cult HQ, because he knows a lot of stuff.

• Cult Labs
• Heckin Good Brands
• Ministry of Truth

• Ministry of Truth - Propaganda
• Cult Labs - R & D
• Department of Redundancy Department
• Department of Departmentalization
• Dept Conspiracies
• Dept Technologies
• Dept Sales

“Lurkers” dwell in the Corporate office, cultists that have evaded work or recognition so well that they actually start to fade into the background… slightly translucent. They care so little about being seen that they start to not be…

Cult Noir is the cult world in the 50s (think mafia/crime underworld, detective show, etc).

Cult noir is a comic strip.

Cult noir is uh a thing/alternative dimension of the cultverse?

The void is the void. The void is infinite.

Everything came from nothing, and then there was some stuff left… Everything that hasn’t found a place is still floating in the Void.

The place between all things

It is mostly black empty space with stuff floating in it

The void has many void creatures, they are known as Voidlings

The stuff in the Void by its very nature is impossible to truly comprehend - time and space are not as they would seem here. Creatures and objects can form impossible shapes, have impossible appendages, and do impossible things. Like you might see the same Voidling twice, or one that plagues the corner of your eye that you can never quite focus on.

Things in the Void can sometimes conglomerate into strange tumbleweeds of void plants and unlikely objects - a clump of dirt with a tree made of legs, a lone table with a full set of teacup and saucers. It is better to not try to make sense of what you see here in the Void - this would only make the Void madness set in faster.

The void is the connection to a lot of different realms

Cultists use portals to travel here and there, and pass through the void in between

This gives Voidlings the chance to escape into other realms

sometimes we bring Voidlings into other realms on purpose

In the future you may be able to collect Voidlings

If a cultist spends too much time in the void they will return with void madness, or as a “void-touched”

ACtually Everything comes from the Void, but there are plenty of things in the VOid that don’t belong anywhere yet, and so float around the Void - that’s where the Church of Divine Apathy comes in, SEE “THE VOID MARKET”

The oldest creatures in the void are the Things - and the oldest among them are the Elder Things.

A holding-place for captured voidlings, brimming with strange creatures kept in various degrees of captivity. Like a zoo.

• The Cultists run the Void Market, which is how they sort those remaining things/creatures from the Void into other worlds in exchange for goods and currencies
• This Market largely funds the Church of Divine Apathy
• A big money maker is the Voidling market here
• Beings come to the Void Market for insane and unusually fare, eclectic spreads of vendors and food trucks sellings food that doesn't seem as though if should be food but range from indescribably delicious to utterly revolting
• The void market arises naturally as a culmination of conditions, like a storm gathering
• Those in the know keep a nang around to detect conditions that would indicate a market storm is rising.
• The Void Travelers frequent the Market and can help visitors find it… for a price

“Markets form where you aren't thinking about them” - The Void Market is a natural phenomenon of the Void. The Market starts with a nod between passing traveler's, and if the weather is right, a Void Market will begin to form, drawing in traveler's, and whatever else, from the Void around, like a black hole or tornado that grows an eclectic flea market inside it. This consolidation of Void Travelers, Voidlings, and all else that happens to float in the Void is what fuels the booming economy of the Void Market. Seasoned Void Travelers can tell when a Void Market may form, like a farmer’s knees ache when it’s going to rain. It’s something about the tugging feeling behind one’s navel, a feeling like a plug has been pulled in a giant bathtub and everything is destined for the drain…

“Do you feel that? A Void Market is forming.”

“How do you know?”

“I’ve been around a long time, kid,” the traveler replied, its large eyeball blinking from the back of its robe.

Void Traveler:

There are native Void Traveler’s, created by the Void, the true experts. They are collectors, merchants, seeking trade and commerce but value things that have seemingly no value at all to the common person. You may come to the market with money, technology, and precious stones for trading yet find yourself being gestured at for the lint in your robe pockets instead - prized for some unknown reason. They have entirely different tastes from one another, you never know what they will want or why. Void Travelers seem to play a role in the ecosystem of the Void, and the economy of the Void Market, exchanging and collecting the substances of the Void.

What separates a Void Traveler from a Voidling? A higher level of Sentience.

Void Associations:

Voidtouched anonymous support group

Void madness occurs when a Cultist spends too much time in the Void.

A little nursery rhyme that is a warning about Void-madness/becoming Void-Touched; if you're blah blah blahs, and you blah blah blah, you know it’s time to blah…

It’s a cafe. In the Void.

It’s also one of the few things in the universe that has Always Been.

If you get lost while hungry, you may encounter a Void Traveler who will point the way to the Void Cafe (they'll set you straight), or one of the "This Way to the Void Cafe!" signs that can be stumbled across in the Void. You're always halfway to the Void Cafe. Some can even smell their way to The Cafe due to the delicious smell of the Cafe's bottomless hashbrowns that waft through the Void. Some just arrive there if they don't care where they are going or where they came from.

The coffee never stops flowing. The waffles stack higher than they should be able to. The service is a little touch and go. Time passes strangely in the Void Cafe - sometimes it seems like a lifetime passes before your pancakes arrive, other times your coffee cup is repeatedly filled even though it's still pretty full and you had just got it to the right cream and sugar ratio. If you happen to go to the Void Cafe when the special of the day is Voidberry Waffles, brace yourself. If you happen to go to the Void Cafe when the special of the day is a Spooders™ Benedict then bring your demon - they go bonkers for this delicacy. The humunkulus helpers scamper across countertops and under tables, spilling your coffee cup on the way to your table, sometimes avoiding stepping in your hashbrowns, and mopping up messes with their robed feet. Friendly tentacles come from unexpected directions to serve your table, offer you a forkful of your own eggs whether your mouth is already full or not, and sometimes give a reassuring head pat or shoulder massage. There are few explicit employees of the Void Cafe - your food could be haphazardly delivered by a passing cultist that then sits in the next booth, landed on your lap by an eyebat, or unexpectedly portaled into place on the table in front of you. You frequently don’t receive what you ordered, but the Cafe goers instead often nonchalantly call out the food they have been given until it finds the person that wants it.

Portals tend to open up unexpectedly as they are used to shorten the walk to the bathroom from your table, or to pour you more coffee. You can portal away from The Cafe, or within The Cafe, but no one can portal INTO The Cafe due to it not really existing in any particular place at all.

It's only open on Thursdays, but lucky for you it happens to always be a Thursday in the Void.

The bathrooms are divided between Cultist and Demon - make sure you don't walk into the wrong one, you DON'T want to see that. Also, don't drop anything in the toilet - you won't be getting it back. Likewise, don't forget any belongings at the table when you leave. The Cafe does not differentiate between used napkins, plates and utensils, or your priceless artifact. Anything left behind WILL be thrown into the Glordy Hole and you won’t be getting it back. [There is Thing That Runs The Cafe (and in reality Is The Cafe. It is an apex predator that hunts objects and creatures from the Void to serve on the Cafe menu?)]

The Cafe serves drinks that aid with Void-madness and the coffee alone just tends to make one feel as though there isn't much of a point to anything.

Void Travelers can always find the Void Cafe, and they are frequent patrons. The Travelers delight in trade and voidly commerce and hope to find Cultists eating at the Cafe that might be interested.

The Science has no power here.

"Who says there's no service in the Void" - ad for the Void Cafe. On a billboard?

"Excuse me, can I get a fork?"

A Ralph looks at you as if to say "first time?"

Whatever is on the menu is drastically "seasonal" due to the food availability being based on whatever is collected from the Void.

Standard Menu Items:

• Voidberry Crunch Cereal
• Hashbrowns
• Waffles
• Bacon
• Eggs
• Eggbear
• Heckin’ Good Cookies (sold out)
• Groggle Drool on Toast
• Roasted eggbear
• “Bear skillet” potato bear, eggbear, etc.
  • Eggs bearnedict?

Condiments

• Urft Jam
• Groggle Drool
• Quantonium Jelly

Specials:

• Voidberry Waffles
• Spooders™ Benedict
• The Thing's Thing (whatever is most recently fished from the Void)

Drinks:

• Coffee
• Orange Juice
• Milk
• Gin & Spooders™
• Spooders™ Nudge
• Voidberry Shake
• Zoibahol (opt: drewdle honey infused)

The Cafe is almost always out of... toilet paper? Salt? Change? Ketchup? Syrup? There is an unspoken rule of BYOF, Bring Your Own Fork, since the Cafe is somehow always short...

(The Thing That Runs The Cafe might also Be The Cafe.)

Time does not work as expected in the Void Cafe. There might be a cultist finishing his breakfast who was from the 1950’s.

The vaults of Meh are home to a vast, unquantifiable collection of the knowledge of the universe.

This is also where the cultists relinquish their fucks.

It is a seemingly endless space. From wherever you stand, rows of shelves stretch away at all angles into the distance and up over many levels, into the darkness where a smattering of starlike pinhole windows do more to make you question your sense of balance than to let any daylight in.

You could go crazy in this place. Like as a rule. As such, it has no true entrance or exit - it is sealed, and only cultists can access it via portals. Cultists of divine apathy are uniquely suited to navigating this kind of space; the less you care, the less invested you are in avoiding a series of challenging new realities, which is one way to describe this place. Coping with the Vaults of Meh could be how we figured out the apathy trick in the first place…

Anyway, we end up with a lot to offload as we traverse so many dimensions. New material is constantly pouring in. It’s whatever we find when we wander around, and let me tell you, we find a whole lot of nothing. Some of it is literally drivel.

Vault Librarians are cultists who have trained specifically so as to never get lost among The Stacks, with the help of their Cult Glasses. Ralphs help with more clearly defined tasks, but it takes some creativity to actually sort stuff in here. Librarians have domains, and that kind of helps break things down. It’s a fairly organic process; you get enough of a uniquely related thing together under your belt, you have a domain.

Librarians tend to be on the short side as cultists go. Coincidentally, Ralphs can be spotted everywhere throughout the Vaults, among the shelves and up high on railed ladders. Due to the specificity of their task-bound nature, they can’t get lost here. Still, you better have given them some very clear instructions, or they could be gone for quite a while and come back with what you definitely didn’t ask for. Some of them look very large or very tiny, but that could just be the weird perspective of the place. In fact, if you look too long at anything, equations involving the number of shelves and the direction they’re facing and the available space stop making much sense.

If you need to retrieve any knowledge from the vaults, detail is key. One must provide a description of what they seek, or an image. It fans out to the department heads, who take a look at it and respond if they think anything in their domain could relate to it. As such, you really have to know what to ask. Too general, and you’ll never get results you could reasonably digest.

Should you choose to wander the vaults yourself, take this advice: Never move without both a start and a destination. The space you walked through to get there could easily have changed by the time you turn around, but if you know where you started, you at least know what to look for.

The wise one says: Hold on too tightly when reality goes sideways, and you will be sideways.

Note: For the record, the vaults are only made up of cares that have been given up. You'd be surprised how much knowledge is tied up in peoples' not-caring...

Synopsis:

A world of fiery pits and caves. Native world of the demons.

The inner circle of Heck has cookies. Not a bad reason to try to get in.

By opening Holes to Heck, we ended up with demons. We have those now, we guess.

Heaven or hell are still options, but cultists can tether themselves to Heck rather than choosing a normal death.

Heck operates like a casino, where the jackpot is a return to the mortal realm. Cultists might choose to go there when they die just for the chance at coming back - even though it could be an eternity before their number comes up.

While in Heck, expect to be Hecked relentlessly by demons.

details:

Some cultists enjoy their stay in Heck, but most eventually succumb to a deep annoyance at the Hecking from the Demons that live there. Their pranks and antics can drive even the most apathetic cultist to the point of breaking - wanting it to stop!

Cultists travel to Heck in an attempt to reach the deepest point - the rumor is there are (really good?) cookies there. It has become a traditional pilgrimage for a Cultist to portal to Heck to preemptively tether their souls to Heck in preparation for death.

You cannot open a portal to Heck. In order to get to Heck (without dying) or summon a Demon from Heck, one must complete the correct summoning rituals to open a Hole.

Normally, only cultists end up in Heck. But if the ritual goes bad and a Heck Hole gets left open (or if someone leaves a hole open for shits and giggles - here’s looking at you, coldpeppers), other people could end up in there too. Accidental visitors don’t usually get past the first squircle, but should you encounter someone driven mad by the depths, well… not much can be done about that.

Story of the Golden Ralph: A cultist went through the Hole, and their thread was about to run out. The other cultist - Steve! - grabbed the thread but got pulled into Heck, and followed the thread looking for them. As the other cultist continued through Heck, they were still holding their end, and slowly unraveled their own robes until they became naked. The other cultist as they followed got to see all the trials second-hand, and this is how we know how the squircles are connected and what the trials are and about the cookies at the end. When they got to the end, they saw the other cultist all naked and caring. They gave the bundled-up thread to the naked cultist, who had lost all apathy. By gathering all the thread, the ralph had been effectively transported into Heck, and became aware that the naked cultist must be clothed, paradoxically becoming golden ralph. Or so the story goes. Upon witnessing this, the one who followed tells of an Exit Sign, where they walked back out to tell the tale. After this, Steve decided to never go back and chose not to tether their own soul. We don’t know now where they ended up…

The wise one says: in order to become fully clothed, one must first unravel.

This is the origin of the tradition of hanging a ball of red yarn from your cultsmas tree.

The Heck Binding Ritual:

When a cultist makes their first Ralph, the time comes for them to decide if they will bind their soul to Heck for a chance at a resurrection after they die.

Ralphs cannot enter Heck. If they try, they’ll just hit the floor where the Hole is, as if there were no Hole there at all. This is a key part of the Heck-binding ritual. Your Ralph will become your tether back to the mortal realm, slowly unraveling the deeper you go. To have any hope of tethering your soul and getting out alive, the vibe is “don’t do anything here yet, you’ll have plenty of time to play when you’re dead”. Complete your ritual and get out before you get distracted, wander too far, and run out of rope.

If you run out of tether, you’re stuck down there forever.

Another cultist can enter the Hole you made, but they won’t be able to return via your tether, so they’ll be stuck until they make it to the casino and their number comes up, however long that takes - just like a dead guy.

A short list of Heck-binding ritual supplies:

• Your first (and ONLY) Ralph - freshly minted; OR, a standing Heck-hole will get you there
• Oil of Clooparion
• Jar of spooders (not strictly required for the ritual, but trust us)
  • “That guy looks like he’s got a pocket full of spooders” - a euphemistic saying that implies a cultist seems likely to get into some trouble
  • “pocket full of spooders” - likely to schmooze you
• Chalk
• String
• Crystals (get your Heck Binding Starter Kit from Practically Potion at a 50% discount off of all included crystals! Wow)
• Intriguonometry for Dummies
• Minimum of 2 Binding Buddies highly recommended

Steps to completing the Ritual:

• Cleanse the air with a censer of Brainspider Repellent
• Sweep the corners of the room, top to bottom, such that no entities remain.
• Fill the coffee pot - your Binding Buddies will be there for a while
• Take your chalk and:
  • Inscribe the circumference of a roundtangle
  • Weave a Quantanguloid scripture and affix it to every other vertex.
• Fractify your crystals to the nearest minuend and arrange the remainder to form a trapesphere
• Place your Ralph in the center (or he can walk in there himself, as long as he doesn’t knock anything over)

If everything is properly placed, the Heck Hole will now be open.

Upon stepping into it, you might get that feeling like you were on the edge of falling asleep but your foot missed the last step and you suddenly fall back awake. At this point, you will find yourself in the First Squircle. Now you must make it to the Fifth without getting distracted or forgetting why you’re there. Good luck!

While you’re busy in Heck, you need to leave the hole open of course - and if there are brainspiders nearby (or better yet, a jar of Spooders), demons are tempted to emerge. And that’s how we get demons.

Story of Chaos Hollow: This is how Pixie got stuck down here and how the Chaos Hollow originated. She created the ralph just to get herself there, and unraveled it with full intention of exploring Heck to its fullest - and writing a book. An elaborate cardboard construction forms the “real” shape of the Hollow, within which Pixie’s imagination forms the pixie-populated realm itself. There, she happily bakes cookies all day. Those who enter the hollow find themselves with a suddenly limited attention span…

Upon entering the Heck Hole, you’ll find yourself in the first squircle of Heck. There are 7 squircles in all, as best we can tell. What you’ll do next depends on your goal. Cultists who aim to return to the mortal realm eventually will probably try to head for the 5th squircle, where the casino is (more on that later), while others could be tempted by the cookies rumored to be found in the 7th squircle (more on that later too).

The information Cultists have about Heck is from Cultists that have gone down into Heck and returned or managed to send their demons back with information for the cult. There is a lot of information about Squircles 1-5, since most Cultists are aiming for the Casino so they can tether their souls to it, so that when they die they have a chance to win the jackpot and get sent back up. As to those who went deeper, we have little else but myth and dreamlike half-remembrances.

• There are many journals/scrolls that the Church of Divine Apathy has collected (ei from Cultist Explorer, “Day 11 - covered in mud, not sure where to go” to “Day 10003 - not sure how long I’ve been here”

Traversing Heck is a directionless pursuit with highly specific criteria.

Demons from different squircles of Heck develop different characteristics:

-1st squircle demons are the standard Cultist companion demon

-and the hierarchy of demons?! (it’s possible that on the seventh circle of Heck, the demons like sweet-pickled spooders…)

-

What are the seven squircles of Heck

Throughout all Squircles of Heck, there can be found advertisements from small signs to massive flashing billboards for “Heckin Good Cookies”. These cookies are available in the Seventh Squircle! Come try them today!

The First Squircle - A muddy place.

First Squircle - Where most cultists’ demons come from. This is the First and shallowest layer of Heck, so shallow that once you drop through a Heck Hole into the First Squircle, you can easily run across other Heck Holes in the ceiling that you can also attempt to exit through. The rain leaks down from the world above Heck and into the First Squircle, thus it is mostly mud and caves. The Heck-famous “Mud Peppers Super-Deluxe Arena and Emporium” hosts the best and soggiest games in Heck. In the center of the First Squircle is a giant colosseum that hosts the main games. Elites from across Heck gather here to spectate sports such as… a crowd favorite - Mud Hole, Demon Quad Racing, Demo-derby

Trial to exit: Walk away from anyone and anything that is happening in the first squircle. Totally not caring to do anything in particular will lead you to the next squircle.

Second Squircle - A quaint sandwich shop.

The floors are sticky. You have to stand in line to get to your turn to make a sandwich. When you get up there, it’s up to you to deliver the best possible instructions to the demon staffing the counter to put your sandwich together in an attempt to produce the Perfect Sandwich. Success is highly dependent on the staff that day, and how busy they are, because somehow remote orders are probably coming in and taking up all their attention.

Trial to exit: Make the perfect sandwich, which involves sacrificing the sandwich itself to a demon with no taste.

Third Squircle - House of Mirrors.

In the third squircle, you are always in your own way. The mirrored surfaces present obvious reflections at first, but soon it appears that whatever you desire most is right behind you - or right ahead of you - just through that opening. Only it’s not an opening, and the harder you try to get over there, the more obstructed is the way.

Trial to exit: If you’re a cultist of the Church of Divine Apathy, and you haven’t lost your apathy by now, this one is actually pretty easy. Just walk through it. You emerge onto the stage of the fourth squircle.

Fourth Squircle - Talent Show.

What makes you special? What unique talent do you possess? You probably forgot when you joined this cult. But you’d better figure it out, because a rowdy audience of demons will Heckle you relentlessly until you manage to impress them. You can’t understand what they’re saying but you can definitely tell when they think your talent is stupid and lame. The harder you try to impress them, and the more the Heckling gets to you, the more delighted the demons are by laying it on you.

Trial to exit: Handle the Heckling with grace until they get tired of trying to get your goat and pass you (or until you do something so legitimately ridiculous that they are actually entertained and pass you).

The wise one says: A sensitive cultist keeps a pocket full of Spooders. (but good luck keeping a pocket full of Spooders this far in!)

Fifth Squircle - The Casino

The Fifth Squircle is The Casino. It runs on the power of the Souls bound to Heck. When you gamble at the Casino, you aren’t betting anything but also aren’t winning anything. That is, except if you hit the jackpot and get yeeted back to the mortal realm. This Squircle is an endless casino, full of flashing lights, buttons and levers, as well as refreshments that you can never afford. Demons run the Casino. There are many jumbotron screens airing the current Mud Peppers games that casino-goers can bet on. These large screens offer views into many different squircles of Heck, as well as sports like golf and curling from the mortal realms.

Games:

• The Ralph Machine
• Respec Leader

Sixth Squircle - Pointless Tedious Tasks.

The first task gets you to the Sixth Squircle. You think “the Seventh Squircle is just over there if I only just” and before you know it there is just *one more* task you need to complete to get there… Put together this Ikea furniture, mow this yard of gravel, etc… The more you care about getting to the cookies, the more tasks there are to reach your goal.

Seventh Squircle - The Cookies.

One might ask: Are there really cookies in the seventh squircle? Has anyone ever come back to confirm that? Are Cultists being lured there for another reason? Is there a suspicious advertising campaign throughout Heck to get people to go to the Seventh Squircle?

By the time you get to The Cookies at the center of Heck, you have cared so much about doing all the tedious/difficult tasks necessary to arrive that you realize you have truly forsaken apathy and are lost to Heck forever.

Like a hookah lounge, but also a crystal and potion shop. And you smoke the crystals and the potions.

Alchemic ingredients:

• Eyebat crusties
• Squorp Eyes - a delicacy enjoyed by astral projectionists/ponderers

Equipment:

• 4D Tesseract Pan (used to cook 4th dimension creatures)
• A Barry (for neutralizing toxins)

Potions:

• Brainspider potion - like a smokebomb but they just forget you’re there at all
• Trouble Shooters (drink)
• ChillMax
• Squorp clone drink - made from squorp eyes, it creates an instant clone of yourself that only lasts for a while. Instant drinking buddy!
• Rizz Potion (xilf milk)
• Skwelp gas - floating potion
• Pickled demidorf (to counteract demidorosis)
  • Demidorosis cure potion recipe
• Something that reverses voidtouched effects and/or void madness
• Ougliette tea
  • Served with a little guide card to help you read the leaves

There might be a guy out back selling “impractical potions”... not to be trusted.

“Phaedri’s Haven for Aetheric Enlightenment, Detox, and Ritual Integration”

• This is where the echo chamber is. This is a key amenity: like a sound bath of reverberating affirmation.

Treatments:

• Flickernif aura cleansing

The place where cultists send messages, like the post office? Accessed by ponderers who pass messages?

Is this the place that people go when they trip on psychedelics? Like the entities that people see when they smoke DMT are just the thots, but they came in the “back door” and so the entities here like super trippy, vs the Ponderers come in the front door and it’s pretty tame, just thots floating around and other cultists projecting there.

Celebrated annually-ish on the first day a cultist remembers brainspiders in a given year.

A holiday on which all cultists celebrate the awareness of brainspiders. For some reason we need a regular reminder.

Celebrated annually on the Winter Solstice

The day that leader emerged into the world, and the day the Great Conjunction of 2020 invoked his ascension. Praise!

Celebrated annually on August 24th

The day DevCro discovered that all unmarked channel point redeems on Twitch could be refunded, restoring hundreds of thousands of channel points to our cultists.

Celebrated annually on July 17th

The day Leader discovered you can make your own corn dogs. Also the inspiration for Fry Day.

• Celebrated annually pretty much all of December
• The cultsmas tree is in our realm… mostly.
• It is decorated and depicted as though emerging from a portal, as a cautionary tradition to remind cultists not to leave portals open!
• Golden Ralph is watching you…

One night, a while ago, probably in December, the Church of Divine Apathy cultists were gathered around doing, well, whatever they felt like. One cultist noticed a cold draft about their ankles and turned to see an open portal to the Void, a hole in the fabric of space and time now teeming with eyes and tentacles and goo. The cultist had scarcely let out a mildly concerned moan before being devoured whole by a Voidling feeling jolly to be on a new plane of existence. Chaos ensued as the cutlists were forced to care enough about their own lives to run, fight, or, for Leader's sake, CLOSE THE PORTAL. Some were too apathetic to respond at all. Cult Labs, with the help of The Science, quickly created Void Collections Technology™ to capture the invading Voidlings, and someone thought it was funny to stick a tree in the portal and watch it wobble around - thus the tradition of Cultsmas was born, an annual reminder of what happened that fateful day. Plus, it's the most seasonal time of year!

• “Panel 4 news” is a reference based on the fact that our original comics maxed out at 3 panels
• A portal - the blue/green swirly thing - isn’t a thing at all, but the byproduct of a portal being opened. It’s the effect a portal has on the surrounding spacetime!

• Entry from the perspective of a ralph/demon?
• Entry from the perspective of a cultist with brainspiders, ei “to do list for the day: take of the trash, write a report…. Ummmm tell my friends about something important… Also why do I feel like dancing?”
• The hecktape letters - demon perspective version of the screwtape letters,
• To the professor of ralphomancy - I’m sorry to write to you at such a late hour… describing how a bunch of ralphs have started building a monument to something he doesn’t recognize (can’t see that the ralphs have brainspiders)
• Story idea: after someone has ralphed themselves, someone might notice that there are extra ralphs around that don’t seem to belong to anyone - entire departments run entirely by ralphs for some reason - and one could fall down the rabbit hole of trying to figure out whose they were, tracking down the cloth, gathering as many of them as possible in an attempt to reconstitute them, but not managing to bring them back as a whole…
  • Some kind of plot where someone ralphed themselves purposefully, and left behind a manuscript with clues about how to find his ralphs and put them back together (left sticky notes on them etc.)
• Mr. voidberry abducting cultists and forcing them to ralph themselves to create a workforce
• Kevin, the ultimate anit-cultist: suppressed all his cares until they came out in some horrible way, and he cared more than any other cultist before him